I AIN’T RUNNING FROM NOTHIN’

FeaturedI AIN’T RUNNING FROM NOTHIN’

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m not running. I’m standing with my face to the sun. On days when the sun doesn’t shine, I stand toe to toe with my fears. I question my attachments because what got me here won’t get me where I want to go.

Laying on the beach. Solo. The wind’s blowing wild, the birds are singing and the waves are crushing my insecurities. My toe’s fucked up, but the X-ray said it’s not broken so I sip my nasty beer and eat my delicious ham sammich. I wiggle my toes a little bit to make sure this moment of solitude and serenity is real. The twinge of pain that shoots up my foot confirms, shit’s real.

The sandwich is done. I’m in a bikini that fits better now than it did in 2013 when I bought it, but I still have belly to rub. I’m rubbin my belly, fantasizing about the life I’m creating and tossing around the revelation that I’m not running from anything. Instead, I took a beach day for myself because it’s what I wanted. I made it a solo day because I only wanted to be with me. Not because life is too heavy or because I’m scared to face reality, but because I wanted to enjoy a moment with my star player.

Smiling at the water. Salt on my lips.

I’m flowing to my purpose. I’m in alignment. I’m divinely positioned and it’s all making sense now. It’s me, myself and I against any issues and it’s not aggression, but a search for understanding that shapes my perception. Watermelon juice dripping off my chin. Ice cold Capri Sun quenching my thirst. Rubbing my fat ass belly on the beach.

I’m divinely positioned and I’m feeling just fine.

Rise.

FeaturedRise.

I am safe.

I am protected.

I am loving.

I am loved.

I create peace. 

I speak sunrays.

I smile gratitude.

I rise with affirmations and gratitude. On those mornings when my anxiety’s attempting to Geppetto me into doing nothing or screaming statistics in my ear, I quiet the noise with gratitude. When I feel like I have nothing, I wiggle my toes and fingers, rub my hands together, blink and smile. That’s how I remind myself that if I don’t do anything more in the day, I’ve already won because I’ve defeated the voices that told me not to rise.

I encourage you to rise. Fuck those voices. 

Breath in your body means you’ve got a reason to live.

You’re a gift. 

Your existence is important, even if you don’t feel like it in the moment,

Rise.


All is Well Tee

If I May

FeaturedIf I May

May I detach from that that does not serve me.

May I detach from he who does not serve me.

May I be bold in my endeavors and smile as I rise with bloody lips, palms and knees when I fall.

May I spit blood in the face of all the bullshit sent to break me.

                Let the blood be the revelation that I bend, buckle, and shatter only to come back better like Kintsugi.

May I leave my mark.

May my words, spoken or written, leave an imprint like that of colliding tectonic plates.

                May they shake your world.

May love continue to spill from my eyes into the heart of every man, woman and child I experience.

May I continue to push against my fears to breakthrough and reach you.

May I continue to be great, authentically.


Self Care Everyday Tee

Trust the Process

Trust the Process

For a while, “trust the process” was my motto. I was saying it for every situation as a means of reminding myself that God’s plan is perfect and that everything will work out in due time. I had been repeating the phrase during meditation, in the shower, as I exhaled in a difficult yoga pose-all that. I felt so strongly about the phrase that I was telling other people to keep calm and trust the process, too. It all seemed so simple and so soothing until one day when it wasn’t.

I don’t remember the exact situation, I just remember how it made me feel. I remember the bitter taste in my mouth, the tears that filled my eyes, the heat that rushed over my body, and the uncontrollable urge to lash out and let loose on the first person I saw. Luckily, nobody was there. It’s no secret that I have trouble expressing and managing my emotions, it’s one of the many things that I’m unpacking and working through right now, but on this day my emotions seemed like a burden I didn’t want to carry. I remember sitting on my yoga mat in front of my crystals and just crying. Normally, this is when I would take deep breaths and repeat “trust the process” until I calmed down but that wasn’t an option.

I went from feeling everything to feeling nothing, numb with confusion. Trust the process…what process?! I sat there on my mat with Bob Marley on repeat wondering what my granddaddy would do. What about grandma? What about Grip? Bob Marley? Jesus? Anybody?! How would anybody else climb out of this depressive state? I couldn’t come up with anything, which just made me more frustrated. I cried hard until my head ached and I got up, showered and went to work like nothing had even happened.

Fast forward a few weeks to when I was having a conversation with one of the most amazing people in my life and everything clicked: you don’t just trust the process, you have to learn to trust the process. Trusting the process is a process in itself! It’s not always pretty and it doesn’t always make sense because sometimes it isn’t what you expect or think you need it to be. I remember hanging up the phone and going straight to the shower. I stood under the hot water thinking about why I quit “trusting the process”. Why the sudden shift? After much deliberation and critical self-talk, I realized that I put too much emphasis on the idea of trusting the process and not enough emphasis on trusting God and myself.

Reflection helped me realize that in every situation where I thought things were at their worst and there was no way out, something beautiful happened. I had to get through the storm to enjoy the rainbow and that’s how my life has always been. The storm was God giving me the strength I needed to pull through because He has an amazing life for me, but I’ll have to work for it. I had forgotten that, though. I was screaming “trust the process” and not using any of the skills or knowledge I had been blessed with.

When you want something, you must work for it. All those cliché quotes about nothing worth having being easy to attain are true. Are you trusting the idea of trusting the process or are you truly trusting God and yourself? What does it look like for you to trust the process? Take some time to really think about it, because when things get hard and you want to quit or don’t understand why it all has to be so hard, you’ll need to circle back to your answers. On the road to be great, you are an ever-evolving artist and your life is your artistic expression. Open your mind and your heart to growth and trust that along the way, you’ll learn all that you need to get to where you want to be.

Trust the process. Trust God. Trust yourself.

Birth of Springtime

Birth of Springtime

​In the church they talk about seasons.

Throughout the year the weather changes, the leaves fall and the flowers blossom.

Seasons are the reason.

We laughed, we cried, we built, we broke.

It’s the end of our season.

I don’t want forever because that’s not why we were put together.

I poured into you. I gave you more than I knew I had.

I’m thankful for that.

I’m not yours and you’re not mine,

But I’ve still got your back.

I’ll still defend your name and do what I can to help you succeed.

The thing about the season is that sometimes

You don’t know how long or short it’ll be.

I didn’t know that we weren’t forever.

I thought we would ride out the seasons together.

But if I’m being honest, and I am cause why lie,

I think I was pouring into your future more than you were pouring into mine.

There comes a point when you feel empty.

The well’s run dry.

Just like the winter, I’ve grown cold, and broken.

I’ve been yearning for springtime.

I need hydration, stimulation, a place to flourish.

The cold’s broken and the sun shines different.

The light flows from me, not just around me.

I wish you nothing but success and a life that’s happy.

‘cause it’s the birth of springtime,

I’m seeking abundance, joy, and growth and I do it freely.