Tag Archives: life changes

If Words Were a Hug

I would be lying if I said that this is how I expected my life to be. I’m grateful, but truthfully, most days I’m frustrated with myself. I can be so hard on myself, as if I could see the future when I was making decisions. I’m further along than many, but I’m far behind where I want to be. I’m in an endless cycle of burnout and exhaustion on this “journey” to figure out what actually matters to me. Healing isn’t always pretty. It’s not just hot baths, flights and flowers; some nights, it’s crying in the mirror and saying all the things that you want to hear from someone else, until you feel safe and loved. This is the result of one of those nights.

“
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.”
I’m sitting in front of the mirror. The room is illuminated by the dancing flicker of the flame from my chakra candles.
Green for my heart. Orange for my Sacral.
Nobody exists but me.
Nobody is coming to “save me”.
Tears fall, but I keep talking because I need to hear it to feel it.
“
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for the times you didn’t listen to your intuition.
I forgive you for putting the pleasure, joy, and well being of others ahead of your own.
I believe in you.
Today. Tomorrow. Every day.
Clear the noise and know that I am proud of you.”

As a smile spreads freely across my face and the salt of my tears touches my taste buds, I am reminded that all is well.

Let this be a reminder to you:
All is well. Though you may not feel it now, you are whole. You are loved. You are valued. Every day.

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I AIN’T RUNNING FROM NOTHIN’

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m not running. I’m standing with my face to the sun. On days when the sun doesn’t shine, I stand toe to toe with my fears. I question my attachments because what got me here won’t get me where I want to go.

Laying on the beach. Solo. The wind’s blowing wild, the birds are singing and the waves are crushing my insecurities. My toe’s fucked up, but the X-ray said it’s not broken so I sip my nasty beer and eat my delicious ham sammich. I wiggle my toes a little bit to make sure this moment of solitude and serenity is real. The twinge of pain that shoots up my foot confirms, shit’s real.

The sandwich is done. I’m in a bikini that fits better now than it did in 2013 when I bought it, but I still have belly to rub. I’m rubbin my belly, fantasizing about the life I’m creating and tossing around the revelation that I’m not running from anything. Instead, I took a beach day for myself because it’s what I wanted. I made it a solo day because I only wanted to be with me. Not because life is too heavy or because I’m scared to face reality, but because I wanted to enjoy a moment with my star player.

Smiling at the water. Salt on my lips.

I’m flowing to my purpose. I’m in alignment. I’m divinely positioned and it’s all making sense now. It’s me, myself and I against any issues and it’s not aggression, but a search for understanding that shapes my perception. Watermelon juice dripping off my chin. Ice cold Capri Sun quenching my thirst. Rubbing my fat ass belly on the beach.

I’m divinely positioned and I’m feeling just fine.

Something Like a Spring Garden

Small moments mean the world to me because I know what it’s like when those moments don’t happen. I ask you to help me build something or to teach me your perspective because those are moments we didn’t get before.

As I’m growing, I have learned to look at you as a man, not just my dad. That shift in perspective helps me see you. Not your mistakes or shortcomings, just you. It allows me to extend patience and speak freely.

You’re my dad, but I choose for you to be my homie.

This is my healing. This is me forgiving. This is us growing.

Every project completed and every honest conversation is a step forward.

I’m in therapy learning skills that allow me to navigate the blocks engrained in me since conception, but it’s out here with you that the heavy lifting happens. I never say it aloud-I get that whole “taking shit for granted” vibe from you, but I’m learning-but I appreciate the times you show up. I’m grateful for you and look forward to seeing you grow because you’re never too old to do your best.

Ay Da! Thanks for doing yard work and asking to take a picture with me on Easter, that’s major.

July 19

In the light of all that is wonderful and perfect in impartial imperfection of a world so unforgiving,
I thank God for the beauty of you.

Sitting on a brick paver
watching trucks in Daytona,
Mama looked over at me and spoke straight to my heart,

“If only Grip was here. I wonder what he would think of this”

In that moment, my brain understood the confusion of the heavy feeling in my heart.

The physical pain that filled my chest
Every time someone in a Ford
Smashed the gas and left
Thick black clouds of diesel exhaust.

At my desk at work
Hyped up on coffee
I’m typing so fast that my thoughts are delayed
Compared to the letters dancing on the screen
until my fingers stop moving after I type the date.

7/18/2017.

Tomorrow’s your day.

7/19 will never be the same.

It always brings a twinge of pain,
Followed by smiles,
Butterflies &
Overall good vibes that I can feel
But can’t explain.

So as  I sit here,
The tears have come and
I blinked them away quickly
Because I feel the pressure of your love wrapping around me.

All that you were shines on me,
Even in the storms.

All that you are, whispers in the winds and
Flows over me like a smooth breeze coming off the lake.

All that you would be is carried in me
With every accomplishment
(big or small)
That God gives me strength to achieve.

Every day you shine through the clouds on me
Every day I rub my side
Where your name is on my skin.

7/19 and every day,
Grip, I love you always.

Birth of Springtime

​In the church they talk about seasons.

Throughout the year the weather changes, the leaves fall and the flowers blossom.

Seasons are the reason.

We laughed, we cried, we built, we broke.

It’s the end of our season.

I don’t want forever because that’s not why we were put together.

I poured into you. I gave you more than I knew I had.

I’m thankful for that.

I’m not yours and you’re not mine,

But I’ve still got your back.

I’ll still defend your name and do what I can to help you succeed.

The thing about the season is that sometimes

You don’t know how long or short it’ll be.

I didn’t know that we weren’t forever.

I thought we would ride out the seasons together.

But if I’m being honest, and I am cause why lie,

I think I was pouring into your future more than you were pouring into mine.

There comes a point when you feel empty.

The well’s run dry.

Just like the winter, I’ve grown cold, and broken.

I’ve been yearning for springtime.

I need hydration, stimulation, a place to flourish.

The cold’s broken and the sun shines different.

The light flows from me, not just around me.

I wish you nothing but success and a life that’s happy.

‘cause it’s the birth of springtime,

I’m seeking abundance, joy, and growth and I do it freely.